Flavours of loneliness

When all the tears had dried up in me ..All I had left in me were words ..Some romantic ,
some lonely , Some angry and some were frustrated too . She Never really said a single word
to me ..It was a long silence .Cold warm strange ugly and beautiful silence .
Different faces of silence were playing music with my sense of humour .
She never really did write to me to say anything .Yet I could hear her speak to me .
She graced my life with memories ,Imagination , Hallucination and nightmares .

Yes at times It was scary to be very lonely
.Yet I beared a smile and a laughter too.For I did not wanted to treat my lover with a sad face .
I said jokes , and laughed at the lack of humour in it !She was looking at me from a
far distance .She never came too close ..niether was she very far .
But to the world which was trained to see distant and dead ! She was so far away living in a different
world..doing diffrent thing ..living she was her life with a person other than me too …Yet
She was to me… the only poet .The only one .Her silence was bible ,Quran and Bhagavat gita to
Me ….Yes she was a communist and she was my communist manifesto too ..
.I listened to it .I marvelled at the intelligence..Profound deep philosophical paradoxes .
Yet I was illiterate and blind . In the midst of a rich family friends and fellow bloggers ..
I sat and looked at my empty tears . I felt a drop in my cheeks ..Then there was another one .
Then another too .. I was wet ..a warm cold sweet and really refreshingly wet …
Oh god just today I washed my clothes and made them dry .Jeans ..T shirts and my Jocky
underpants ..they were all wet ..Of course I wore clothes..not to hide my shame .

I was shameless in love and admitting it too ,My dead and truly alive grandfather taught me not be
ashamed of loving ..Only to hide my nakedness did I wore jeans ..ha jeans ..colourful jeans
..Green jeans ..red jeans .yellow and black jeans too ..Yet they were all very blue
JEans was blue ..I should have known ..I tried to laugh ..but jeans was blue .Some happy
jeans.Some jeans of jokes..Some blue and romantic jeans too I owned ..All to hide my
hiddeous insecure nakedness.


I wondered whether other people too were naked ..inside their
clothes ..No their jeans looked clean and dry too ..

Even when god was crying their clothes were dry as a leaf dried and dead in summer heat .
I wondered what they were doing . They were out shopping in Tiruvanmayur Signal !
Chennai city ..cold cruel ugly funny laughters !!!????

.They all thought i was so much out of fashion . New dresses .numerous discount .None i felt
like buying . My tears made me transparent even when i wore Two ugly jeans ..one of laughter
and another of romance . I wondered if the pretty girl who just passed by saw me naked in my
jeans made transparent by my tears ! Nopes they were laughing at a joke said by a
faceless man in a lost crowd ! A Crowd which lost its happiness innocence and laughter in a
mad rush to get a better rating in their next appraisal .Yet she was laughing at their jokes

Words ..Words and some more words .I said one thousand two hundred and ninety seven words
that day .None of it contained the laughter i had when i felt her presence . Yet i said
words..More words so that silence did not take me over completely .cold warm strange ugly
and beautiful silence . Suddenly out of nowhere i saw some kids playing with a guitar and a
song in their lips . It was a lovely composition .Mozart Rahman and some rock bhangara
.Simons garfunkel and U2 were playing in their lips . I wondered how they learned such rich
music when in age they were little than the pain .Pain .. ha ..the painful pains of my life
.Some thought I enjoyed them .Deeply nourished them with my dried up tears .
Little do they knew that i deeply and secretly hated them .
I was in a constant war with my pains..Father ..ha mother ..they did not like pains.
They did not like my pains ..Divine holy dark and empty pains ..

Bush ..President Bush .. He was gone and the world was safe .Little did i know
that He was still alive and ruling the United states of American Barbarism in my memories
And that of one thousand fellow people who were lonely when they were together .
All stories ..All words ..all tears .. have a begining and an end . World began with a big
bang and it grew evolved ..Atoms molecules ..and complex biological organisms ..Yet none
spoke to me like my Sheni ! I listened to her .The call of hunger ..silence ..and rich
emotions .Poetry it was ! ha ..Harmony ..Peace ..oh …no it was prayers .. no one thousand
two hundred and ninety seven words which were unknown to me ..Which were unknowable to me
..I lost my vocabulary to a lover who thought that i was only a friend ! A distant relative
who wore jeans to hide his hiddeous ugly naked lonliness ..
I faded and I fainted ..even the colour of my jeans were faded to this white and
unrecognisable faceless colour ..Confused colour ..


I saw hope ..A little sunshine .. A sunshine in the rain .. So beautiful it was having
seven colours..Seven colours more bright than all the colours of my Jeans.. I touched it and
expected it to dissapear ..I had colours in my hand …then I got colours in my elbows knees
chest and hair too . It was those children with guitar..Simons..garffell..and U2 .. Children
playing songs beyond their age ..One thousand two hundred and ninety seven year old chilren
..Chilren working in Kolkotta cognizant .. Children who wrote beautiful poetry ..They made
me want to sing .. I was afraid i would sing too loud..But they smiled at me invitingly
.They laughed too .. at my fears ..

I sang this song …. Chikku bukku chikku bukku railee… Kalakkuthu paariva stylee… (you
see i am always funny )They seemed to like it ..They called me a poet ..and called me one of
their own ..A blogger ..and a poet ! I liked this new nakedness ..

This shamless and joyful nakedness..Where was that hiddeous ugliness I wondered ..
Rain washed away my friend ..The rain of laughter..
All you people who reads this and comments that its okay to be naked..yep
You washed it away .. My memories ,imagination hallucination , fear ,anger and frustrations
too were washed . beach was beautiful ..Evening was lovely …But now i got to go and catch
the movie for which i had experimented and volunteered to risk my sanity over .It was
weekend treat with my friends. God bless all .