Flavours of loneliness

When all the tears had dried up in me ..All I had left in me were words ..Some romantic ,
some lonely , Some angry and some were frustrated too . She Never really said a single word
to me ..It was a long silence .Cold warm strange ugly and beautiful silence .
Different faces of silence were playing music with my sense of humour .
She never really did write to me to say anything .Yet I could hear her speak to me .
She graced my life with memories ,Imagination , Hallucination and nightmares .

Yes at times It was scary to be very lonely
.Yet I beared a smile and a laughter too.For I did not wanted to treat my lover with a sad face .
I said jokes , and laughed at the lack of humour in it !She was looking at me from a
far distance .She never came too close ..niether was she very far .
But to the world which was trained to see distant and dead ! She was so far away living in a different
world..doing diffrent thing ..living she was her life with a person other than me too …Yet
She was to me… the only poet .The only one .Her silence was bible ,Quran and Bhagavat gita to
Me ….Yes she was a communist and she was my communist manifesto too ..
.I listened to it .I marvelled at the intelligence..Profound deep philosophical paradoxes .
Yet I was illiterate and blind . In the midst of a rich family friends and fellow bloggers ..
I sat and looked at my empty tears . I felt a drop in my cheeks ..Then there was another one .
Then another too .. I was wet ..a warm cold sweet and really refreshingly wet …
Oh god just today I washed my clothes and made them dry .Jeans ..T shirts and my Jocky
underpants ..they were all wet ..Of course I wore clothes..not to hide my shame .

I was shameless in love and admitting it too ,My dead and truly alive grandfather taught me not be
ashamed of loving ..Only to hide my nakedness did I wore jeans ..ha jeans ..colourful jeans
..Green jeans ..red jeans .yellow and black jeans too ..Yet they were all very blue
JEans was blue ..I should have known ..I tried to laugh ..but jeans was blue .Some happy
jeans.Some jeans of jokes..Some blue and romantic jeans too I owned ..All to hide my
hiddeous insecure nakedness.


I wondered whether other people too were naked ..inside their
clothes ..No their jeans looked clean and dry too ..

Even when god was crying their clothes were dry as a leaf dried and dead in summer heat .
I wondered what they were doing . They were out shopping in Tiruvanmayur Signal !
Chennai city ..cold cruel ugly funny laughters !!!????

.They all thought i was so much out of fashion . New dresses .numerous discount .None i felt
like buying . My tears made me transparent even when i wore Two ugly jeans ..one of laughter
and another of romance . I wondered if the pretty girl who just passed by saw me naked in my
jeans made transparent by my tears ! Nopes they were laughing at a joke said by a
faceless man in a lost crowd ! A Crowd which lost its happiness innocence and laughter in a
mad rush to get a better rating in their next appraisal .Yet she was laughing at their jokes

Words ..Words and some more words .I said one thousand two hundred and ninety seven words
that day .None of it contained the laughter i had when i felt her presence . Yet i said
words..More words so that silence did not take me over completely .cold warm strange ugly
and beautiful silence . Suddenly out of nowhere i saw some kids playing with a guitar and a
song in their lips . It was a lovely composition .Mozart Rahman and some rock bhangara
.Simons garfunkel and U2 were playing in their lips . I wondered how they learned such rich
music when in age they were little than the pain .Pain .. ha ..the painful pains of my life
.Some thought I enjoyed them .Deeply nourished them with my dried up tears .
Little do they knew that i deeply and secretly hated them .
I was in a constant war with my pains..Father ..ha mother ..they did not like pains.
They did not like my pains ..Divine holy dark and empty pains ..

Bush ..President Bush .. He was gone and the world was safe .Little did i know
that He was still alive and ruling the United states of American Barbarism in my memories
And that of one thousand fellow people who were lonely when they were together .
All stories ..All words ..all tears .. have a begining and an end . World began with a big
bang and it grew evolved ..Atoms molecules ..and complex biological organisms ..Yet none
spoke to me like my Sheni ! I listened to her .The call of hunger ..silence ..and rich
emotions .Poetry it was ! ha ..Harmony ..Peace ..oh …no it was prayers .. no one thousand
two hundred and ninety seven words which were unknown to me ..Which were unknowable to me
..I lost my vocabulary to a lover who thought that i was only a friend ! A distant relative
who wore jeans to hide his hiddeous ugly naked lonliness ..
I faded and I fainted ..even the colour of my jeans were faded to this white and
unrecognisable faceless colour ..Confused colour ..


I saw hope ..A little sunshine .. A sunshine in the rain .. So beautiful it was having
seven colours..Seven colours more bright than all the colours of my Jeans.. I touched it and
expected it to dissapear ..I had colours in my hand …then I got colours in my elbows knees
chest and hair too . It was those children with guitar..Simons..garffell..and U2 .. Children
playing songs beyond their age ..One thousand two hundred and ninety seven year old chilren
..Chilren working in Kolkotta cognizant .. Children who wrote beautiful poetry ..They made
me want to sing .. I was afraid i would sing too loud..But they smiled at me invitingly
.They laughed too .. at my fears ..

I sang this song …. Chikku bukku chikku bukku railee… Kalakkuthu paariva stylee… (you
see i am always funny )They seemed to like it ..They called me a poet ..and called me one of
their own ..A blogger ..and a poet ! I liked this new nakedness ..

This shamless and joyful nakedness..Where was that hiddeous ugliness I wondered ..
Rain washed away my friend ..The rain of laughter..
All you people who reads this and comments that its okay to be naked..yep
You washed it away .. My memories ,imagination hallucination , fear ,anger and frustrations
too were washed . beach was beautiful ..Evening was lovely …But now i got to go and catch
the movie for which i had experimented and volunteered to risk my sanity over .It was
weekend treat with my friends. God bless all .

Thinking the noise pollution of an introvert

Thinking the noise pollution of an introvert


The equivalent of external noise is the inner noise of thinking. The equivalent of
external silence is inner stillness.
Whenever there is some silence around you — listen to it. That means just notice it.
Pay attention to it. Listening to silence awakens the dimension of stillness within
yourself, because it is only through stillness that you can be aware of silence.
See that in the moment of noticing the silence around you, you are not thinking.
You are aware, but not thinking.

Excerpts from Stillness speaks by Ekchart tolle

There is a great joy in being silent if you are not haunted by longings , anger , frustrations , love , lust or even hunger ! Some poets call it peace .It is beautiful , there are no words describing it ! Content .Some get it by doing something they truly love , Gardening , Driving , singing , painting , being with the one they love . Each person must find what they love to do . The satisfaction they get out of it is that of a lessening internal pollution .less noise and more silence it will enable them . For me its a myriad of things I love to do , Reading poetry has been one of them . I love to ride too ! Movement ! Colours , some Vibrant , some soothing ..mostly lively ! full of invigourating charm ! Life is herenow , come live and be silent so others get a chance to live too

Real Marriage ,Real Mirage

Belowmentioned question and answer is taken from Osho speeches . Ofcourse its not my opinion , i found this interesting ! and i thought it would benefit those with depth enough to understand without judgements or prejudice or pretence . Although we admire ourselves in our evolution as intelligence creatures , little intelligence is seen in the way we react to what happens to us . We are at most times impulses and our reactions are determined by our deeply embedded convictions and prejudice . For me rarely , very rarely do we see individuals with intelligence even in the little things they do , like walking , eating , drinking or even making love . They do it with such deep ecstasy that they seem to be filled with this deep fragrace which is sanctifying almost .There are many such individuals Jesus , Buddha , Krishna , Osho .I know this can be one of the most controversial topic .But read it forget it .Dont take anything personally ! Life happens ..

In a world where even brainless T V serials are ignored and sometimes appreciated , why cant we leave this little small discussion below ..alone ! Leave it if you dont like .Dont react to it too if you find this objectionable ! just a glimpse of a different thought ..thats all



Is there any such thing as a real marriage?

Sugata,
Never heard of it — real marriage? There are real mirages but no real marriage! If it is real, then there is no need for marriage. THE VERY NEED FOR MARRIAGE ARISES BECAUSE THERE IS FEAR.

If you love a person, you love a person; you can be together with the person. BUT THERE IS CONSTANTLY A FEAR THAT THE OTHER PERSON MAY LEAVE YOU, and the other person is also afraid you may leave him or her. To make the future guaranteed, so that you cannot leave, so that the other cannot leave — easily at least — marriage was invented.

Marriage was invented only because love is missing. And if love is missing, how marriage can be real? There is no need for marriage. IF LOVE IS THERE, MARRIAGE IS AN UNNECESSARY PHENOMENON. In a better world, where people will be more mature, they will be together because they love, and they will keep each other free because — one never knows — love may disappear.

And that does not mean that the love was unreal and that's why it disappeared. That too is a very wrong idea that has prevailed for centuries. WE HAVE BEEN OBSESSED BY WRONG IDEAS, AND THEY ARE CREATING SUCH TROUBLE IN OUR LIVES. And still we can't see their wrongness because they are so old and we have become so conditioned to them. If love disappears then we start thinking then it was not real.

In fact, A REAL ROSE FLOWER IS BOUND TO DISAPPEAR BY THE EVENING; only the plastic rose flower will not disappear. The real rose flower blooms, opens up, dances in the wind, in the rain, in the sun, and by the evening is gone. That does not mean that it was unreal; in fact it was so real, that's why it appeared and disappeared. The plastic flower is so unreal that it does not appear and does not disappear, it remains; it is far more permanent.
MARRIAGE IS LIKE A PLASTIC FLOWER; LOVE IS A REAL ROSE. And people are such cowards that they don't want to live with real roses. They are hankering far more after security, safety, guarantees, permanency that they are not ready to risk the real roses and they purchase plastic flowers. Of course those plastic flowers cannot satisfy you — you will remain miserable.
Just one month before, Sagarpriya wrote to me: "Osho, what has happened? I have been here for two and a half years — has something gone wrong because Bindu and I are still together?" I did not answer her question because I was afraid that if I answered it something will happen immediately. So I kept quiet — and it has happened. Now I can answer because now I will not be thought responsible for it. Now Bindu wants to escape, but Sagarpriya is not going to leave him so easily. Just to escape from Sagarpriya he wants to go for few weeks to America. Now Sagarpriya is following him; she also wants to go with him.

WE DON'T ALLOW EACH OTHER FREEDOM; WE CLING TO THE VERY END. We try every possible way. Even when everything disappears we go on clinging, we go on hoping against all hope. And the more we cling, the more we destroy the possibility of love renewing itself again.

Now if Sagarpriya can allow Bindu to go and be there for few weeks alone… He needs his own space — everybody needs it once in a while because love alone is not enough. Love is beautiful, but meditation is far more important. AND MEDITATION NEEDS A DEEP ALONENESS; NOBODY SHOULD INTERFERE. And only lovers can interfere in meditation because only lovers are so close. The marketplace does not interfere, the people who are not related to you cannot interfere, but the people who are very close, very intimate, can be a real disturbance. And they don't allow you any space. And if you want to be alone, they immediately start feeling that they are being rejected. You simply want your own space — and everybody has a need, a tremendous need to have his own space.

But now Sagarpriya will follow him; if there is any possibility, she will destroy even that. THE BEST THING IS TO LET HIM GO, TO SAY GOODBYE TO HIM in a nice, beautiful, human way, with no grudge, with no complaint, with no quarreling. If you quarrel too much, if you make such a fuss, then people will start compromising, but compromise cannot fulfill you.

Excerpts fr0m :OSHO
Walking in Zen, Sitting in Zen
Ch #15: So Lost And So At Home
am in Buddha Hall